Alone in the dark..

To feel absolutely nothing is a very strange thing. I normally am petrified to even set foot on my back porch most nights because it is pitch dark and I hate the dark I am terrified of the dark. I keep testing myself. I keep teasing my fears and nothing is happening. I walked step by step slowly and calmly without a sound down the steps into my back yard, barefoot through the grass and made it to the lake where I stopped. The water is the only thing I could see. Just reflections. I didn’t feel a thing. No adrenaline. No fear. No curiosity. No awe. No anything. Nothing. Just nothing. It’s like I’m trying to coax it up. Like I’m subconsciously trying to lure it out. And nothing. is. there. to. find.

The End.

& in the end

I’m here alone.

Nursing

My wounded heart.

That artificial

Lullaby, your voice

Plays softly in my head

Over again, again.

Yet,

I think

I’m still falling

for you.

16,11,11

laying in the front yard on the lawn under neath the stars, the autum leaves come falling down; much like these walls. The unrest of thw wind blowing, speaking to the trees as they sway back and forth together. Its that fresh musty smell that keeps you intised & suddenly everything you know the wind has taken away. The ice air begins to bite & crawl its way at your ears, leaving what everyone else says unheard. Its winter now, & all you want is to feel warmth wherever or whoever it may come from, because your heart is starting to go cold. So bring the hot chocolate & I'll get the blanken, and we'll lay lazily under the stars. How deep is dark? How high are the stars? My fingers go cold & nothing to do but forget the rest & mellow out. Mellow like the sheet that covers the sun at night, that we hide under at every chance we get, so insignificant yet the change is undenyable. However I am left sitting in my room, staring at blank walls & try to imagine my future but they arent really anything other than what I see.

& tonigh I will have a drunk heart

Forever
How long is forever?
Forever is an empty,
impractical promise.
We promise forever everyday:
I’ll love you forever,
it will last forever–
but fate takes these faulty promises
and warps them into cruel, tasteless jokes.
How do you promise to love forever
when desire drifts about is
like steam; crawling up our spines
and into our minds, causing our
tongues to betray, our minds to forget,
and our hearts to shut down.
How do you promise to be here forever
when the gnarled fingers of
death are no more than an outstretch away,
threatening to reach out and grasp us by the throat–
rattle our teeth and choke us of air– at any given moment.
How can you promise something will last forever
when change happens every second
of every minute
of every day.
From the sunrise to sunset, to the sweeping tides that
erase padded prints in the sand;
from the shapes in the clouds to the roots of a tree
that warp together with age,
nothing stays the same for long.
Please don’t promise me bitter lies of forever,
when all I will ever really want is today.

A toast to all the Ratfucks

Unsure of where to start with this Ryan character..

Shaunavon, Saskatchewan is his home,

hahahah and now he is all alone,

but oh wait, who’s fault is it?

I guarentee its not hers cause your face looks like shit,

She loved you more than you ever deserved,

You were careless and now we all know your a perv,

It was all up to you to fuck it up,

And it seems now that all you wanted was a little cock-suck,

So here Kassie is to you,

Lets get drunk and find another hot guy to screw,

Sure you miss him and you’ve got the right,

But now surely all the ass he is going to be able to get is from a dyke,

Although without permission you stole your parents truck,

Yes baby, he is still a ratfuck

all my wishes

What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead, what doesn't kill you makes you jump at the slightest noise, what doesn't kill you makes you an alcoholic and an impossiple person to be with, what doesn't kill you makes you hide in the corner and draw shapes that no one can see.

something you will never understand

I can't say why, but I wish you wouldn't go behind my back, I wish you wouldn't lie and I wish you wouldn't break promises. I wish there was something I could do to make you trust me and I wish there was something I could do to make you understand. I can't figure out what is was that I did to make you this way, and I hope it goes away.
You say, "We need to take a break I think Beth." and for some strange reason I remember you saying last time that, "...breaks do nothing Beth, all they accomplish is breaking the other persons heart." And it is also strange that I distinctly remember you saying you never wanted to break my heart. I never did fuck all wrong Trey. Never did I do anything wrong. You are the one who texted my ex boyfriend not thinking that I was telling you the truth. & no sir, I do not have a thing with another boy.

Thank you for trusting me.

just because I know you are going to see this

i feel nothing, not a thing.

Grad & CanadaDay- an update for anyone following

I don't know if you can change things, but it's a drop in the ocean.

Lately every little thing has been changing. Spinning, and evolving into something new, and in our case something unfavorable. I am unable to say anything with you around, speak my mind, for if I do I am told what I do and what I think is wrong. I also understand you are intelligent but lately, your logic has been in the wrong place and the choices you have been making aren't much better either. I don't think you understand the severity of what you are doing to me, doing to us and I want it to stop. You know that place between consciousness and unconsciousness? That is the only place where I feel safe right now. For every time my eyes are open I want to look better for you, see you smile and see you happy and when my eyes are closed and I am dreaming of you, and how I don't deserve to be treated the way I am. Try close you eyes and end up in that state and try figure out what it is you need to do to fix this. Because I am done, I have nothing more to give.

you exist now only in our memories

05.06.2011



for all of you that really think your life is that bad, and that there is nothing that you can do to fix it, think again. you think about it at first and think, ‘no one is even going to notice.’, or ‘I hope they know what they did to me’, what do you think that they think? the people that care about you, the people that smile because of you, the people that think about you and are close to you? I can guarentee that every single one of those people will have a piece of their hearts ripped out. Is that really what you want? Do you really want to hurt that many people, expecially the ones that care for you and love you?

We will never understand why you did what you did Wade, but all we can do is remember the smiles that we put on eachothers faces and know that you are in a better place now than you were here, where you can not hurt youself. We love you Wade, and who knows how long it will be until we see you again?

life is like an hourglass glued to the table

sometimes the beauty is in the attempt

I wish I could let you know, I wish I had the confidence to tell you how I feel. I wish I could tell you everyword and thought about you that goes through my mind every single day. When I hear your name, I can't helop but smile, when I see you, my heart beats faster and faster. I get butterlies in my stomach whenever you come around, and I can't help but fall for you more and more each day.

swallow me whole

Is it weird to think that laying in this warm water, drinking this warm drink that I feel engulfed and totally consumed in you?

take what you want

Smile. I know it hard, there are things sitting in your way that you just want to yell at, and tell them to get the fuck out of your way, so do it? Why not? I am the one in control of my happiness and I don't think there is much else I could do right now to make me any happier. People these days take intimicy for granted, happiness, the little things. Walks on the first nice day since winter, being in a car with the windows rolled down and being able to feel all of your insecurities wirling around your hair, and in your face. To know that you can look someone in the eyes and be able to say, "I need you," that is what I have. That is what we have and I don't ever want it to go away/

Sooooo if you want to leave, take what you want, and go, however I wouldn't mind if you stuck around.

AY-15

I am up to my ankles in tears,and I feel lik I'm already beginning to drown. Have you ever realized how when you are driving on the highway to go wherever it is you are going. But let me tell you, if you are trying to run away from you problems, you should probably know that geography doesn't change anything. But as you are going along the highway, you realize that the fence posts are never ending. Aren't you supposed to remember those who have passed? It isn't always easy because when you try remember those good times, you also feel the pain that comes with those memories and it just becomes easier to forget, or atleast to push out the thoughts of missing them. But when things get too hard, when things begin to hurt too much, when the memories are burned into your heart, go for a drive, look in the ditch and realize that those fence posts are always going to be there, just like he will.

probably should have been doing Biology..

get out. go explore, I know we can. There are people out there that want to meet us, meet you and let you share that spark that you have inside. look what happened when you met me? look at what we have? I don't want it with anyone else, and for whatever reason, when you look at me and smile, my heart smile. a full, white-big-toothed, pressed lip smile. when you smile, it's simple, I smile too. cliche? yes, haha oh yes. but seeing as when we are together, we don't even acknowledge those around us, or much else to be honest; at least i don't. but see, we don't have to because we tend to kiss alot, and i mean alot. and when two people kiss, usually their eyes are closed (unless we are goofin' around) and when your eyes are closed, your lips are touching and your hearts are open, it feels like we are suspended in the moment, suspended in perfection. so can we please just press pause on all of this, for I do now want you, us, going anywhere.

my sacrifice

I can only pretent everything is going right for som long. I'm getting tired of yelling at myself saying that things are going to change, because at this poing I know that nothing is different. It is all the same garbage as before, except now I have someone in my own corner, directing me through the storm. I am tired of walking on glass around you, so if you don't want to listen to me screaming, either cut me down some more, or just leave. If not, I am just going to continue doing what I do, which is, walking on glass.

get under another

I am to the point where it hurts just way to damn much to even stand it, to breathe, to eat, to sleep and sometimes it hurts to love. with you, without you. I laughed and now i have a new reason to smile, and you just aren't the reason anymore. everytime i tell him i love him i couldn't mean it more, and i hope you are finally beginning to realize it, realize that it isn't you i loath, it's him. I want him. I want all of him, and none of you. Why can't you see that? I used to cry, but today I didn't, because I finally came to the conclusion that I'm over you. Over you and under him, under his skin. because the weight you made me feel was only the weight of you weighing me down ..

babe you give me butterfliiieeess

Its the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when someone mentions your name; the butterflies, they drive me insane. Its the sense of comfot I get when i look in your eyes; with you everything is genuine and true, and for once there are no lies. I don't know what to think, everything is moving so very fast; but I know that I don't want to mess this up, I want this to last.

Simple.

I don't think I'm ever going to stop falling in love with you <3

absolute perfection

"He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh atleast once, cause you think to twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him, and give him the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break, but trust you not to. Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell at him when he makes you mad, and miss him when he isn't there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you."

-- Robert Nesta Marley

you dont lose your mind. its not like you left if on the counter and it accidently got throw in the trash. it doesnt go for a walk one day and take a wrong left turn, and eventully find its way home. no. your mind cracks with each new tradgety you put yourself through, with each new heartbreak and each new smile. it doesnt take very long before all the cracks weaken its 'perfect' structure, and all of a sudden your mind finally shatters like ice. and the problem is that no matter how many different ways you try to put it back together, there will always be tiny pieces missing. each time you shatter and you put yourself back together, you lose apart of yourself. then finally, after a while, you wont recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. your not lost. you wont find yourself. your broken and i finally have him putting me back together the way it was intended.

deds to just-smileology

hey you.
yes you. stop being unhappy with yourself. you are perfect just the way you are. stop wishing you looked like someone else or wishing people would like you as much as they like someone else. stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you. stop hating your body, your face, your personality, your quirks. love them. without those things you wouldn't be you, and why would you want to be anyone else? be confident with who you are. smile, laugh. it will draw attention to you, and draw people in. if anyone hates on you because you are happy with yourself, then stick your middle finger in the air and say screw it. my happiness will not depend on others anymore. i'm happy because i love who i am, i love my flaws, my imperfections. they make me me. and to me, 'me' is pretty amazing.

To Couples;

You're not gonna promise to each other that you will not disappoint one anotherm, because at some point you will. What is important is that you don't go away, you don't escape, you don't just leave one another just because you were disappointed.
That's be meaning of fidelity.

who do you think i am?

these tears are running down my face, like i feel i am running away from you. today i didnt want to do anything but love you but don't think i'm your ghost, because i am not losing the love that i love the most.

a major blow to the head

"There is no need to be afraid, are you still?"
"No, I'm really not."

"Well good."

"So is it safe to say I love you?"

"Yes, because I love you too Elizabeth Fodor."

it was 8:34 on February 21, 2011 when we uttered the words. & from where you are by lifehouse was playing on my stereo.

irresistable

"I can feel my heart is slowing, creeping through the doors of my castle walls"

queezy

just looking at you maes me feel lost, & no i'm not gettin glost in your eyes ; i just the fact that i don't know you , i don't know where to find you heart anymore.

we complicate eachother

love is complicated, freedom is easy.

my horoscope for today

You love jumping in with both feet first, and the deep, dark lake of love is your favorite dipping spot! But if you’re considering going full throttle in a relationship that is currently just revving on the starting line, stop. Spend the next few days by yourself and consider if this match really is woth the work of taking it to another level. If it’s just casual fun, trying to make it into more will leave everyone with a bad taste in their mouth.  If, after a good solid 72 hour assessment, you’re feeling pretty good about moving forward, then, by all means, jump on it.

reaaally ? cause i call bullsh*t.

fight for your inches, because i know i'm fighting for mine

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your...
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep us strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through move along

move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceivin
All the days held in your...
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along

when every thing is wrong, we move along
when every thing is wrong, we move along
along, along (we move along),along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do.
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along

Just to make through,
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do.
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Just to make through,
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do.
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Move along

Right back what is wrong
We move along

bleeding hearts

i deserve better than to be told i'm a 'slut'. i know that, you don't know anything; thats the difference.

so no, i don't deserve to be stabbed, you do.

i call this club Titanic cause its going down

i know that there isn't anything to be afraid of, afraid to tell you, but truth is, i too am terrified. so when i say this, please dont take advantage of it. im now on my knees begging please, ive been so good to you and youve taken the time to be so good to me; dont leave me out here to dry please. so many tears i have cried, my eyes are finally done stinging. because of you. for you. there is so much that i want to tell you, so much i want to tell you, tell you that you have uncoded it all, thanks DaVinci.

bend down touch your toes and just glide

i hope we never change.

everyday might not be good, but there is something good in everyday



for paigey

when you lose someone, someone you love, when they break your heart, its the hardest thing you could ever go throu. and no matter how much time has passed, it never actually goes away. you may think youre getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest, you fall apart, for the hundredth time, and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. you love this person with all your heart, even though you know you shouldn't, they hurt you worse than youve ever been hurt, they stold your happiness. but yet, you still want them. other people come along and give you chances to move on, and in my case i couldn't be more happy. but in your case you can't, or dont want to. it upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would, and even if they broke all their promises, you want to keep yours. on top of that, your terrified, terrified of getting hurt again, like me. but its not like it matters anyway right? at the end of the day youre still thinking about the person who has left you completely broken, you dont want to miss them anymore, you dont want to love them anymore, but you know you always will.

just because i know how you feel love, i'm so very glad that i dont feel like this anymore. dylan has made me so happy, and yaaah i am terrified of getting hurt, and i am begging that that doesnt happen. on my knees begging, because i dont want to go through that all over again. So dylan when you read this, yes, i am going to do everything in my power to keep up alive, like the fire in paiges heart for michael, still lit.

<3

( I feel for you babe, if you ever wanna talk }

lhkgkg

Me; don't hate the player hate the game!
Dyl; i love the game & i really like the player

& but to be perfectly honest i love this kid to death .

you have pointed out my flaws again as if i dont already see them

is relief a bad feeling? to know that you dont have to feel the weight under your skin anymore. to have those lines in the sand washed away as your guilt, 'bad decisions and tornado of inner self and trust' arrives at shore. you now are looking out on life as an open, blue blanket of water. the ocean with so many opportunities just waiting to be stumbled upon and now I look up into the sky, so filled with careless thought and wonder and question whether or not there is something I am missing, something in the bigger scheme of things. but now i'm ready to take a chance, which is like a picture , it would be nice if I just took one. A good one. but  according seeing as my pictures, those chances, aren't going to take me anywhere. but I know your wrong, so wrong. I know that the chance I'm taking on him is oging to be the best chance I am ever going to take, and I know he supports me in what I want to do. because the chances I am taking for you, aren't getting me places.

but in the words of T Swift, "someday i'll be living in a big old city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean, someday i'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all your ever gonna be so mean; and a liar, and pathetic and alone in life and mean."

cause i dont what to know

& even though you were in a foreign country, how we are together couldn't feel more familiar, more natural.

" your body rocks a rhythm , he beats your drum hard '

1. you make me happy
2. you make me smile
3. you make me laugh
4. you are gorgeous
5. you are silly & and so funny
6. you are my muse
7. you are so good for me
8. you are so good to me
9. you make me feel safe
10. you make me want to dance
11. its always been so easy
12. you make me feel good, nuff said
13. you make me miss you
14. I can be a little kid around you
15. now get back from Mexico ;)

someone who will hug me tight when i'm down, someone who will beat up the guys that hurt me, someone who knows every single detail about me. someone who makes me laugh until i cry, someone who i can be myself with; only myself. someone who won't cause so much fucking drama, someone who i might eventually fall in l o v e with .

& someone who will eventually love me backk

& i don't trust anyone who doesn't smile

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

-Maya Angelou

lets be honest , if you were a facebook status ; i'd like you

more feelings. i love the feeling i get when your fingers are intertwined with yours, my head on your chest listening to you ever so fast heart beat. that is something i'm not giving up.

i'm here, i care. i don't care if you need to stay up all night crying, i will stay with you. If you need medication, again, go ahead and take it - i will still care about you through and after that, as well. If you don't need the medication, i'll still care. There is nothing you could ever do to love my trust, faith, hope & care for you. I will try my best to protect you, and even after it is we may be done, i will still care. I am stronger than depression and am braver than loneliness and nothing you could do is going to exhaust me.

you told me you were going to care, so please don't make me fall for that before i fall to pieces

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

love is friendship set on fireeee

the way you make me feel is like;

smelling fresh rain, or laying in the back of a truck under a blanket, watching the stars. or returning back home from a long trip of just driving with no destination in the summer. It's like the feeling you get when you get an A on your report card and your parents tell you how proud they are. Or when you hear your family laughs together, or the sound of the wind rushing through a tunnel when you drive with the windows down. It's like when you're outside on a hot summer day and you have a cold glass of water or when you talk to an old friend after a month or two, yet the two of you are still as close as ever.

It's like the feeling you get when you hear your favorite childhood song on the radio for the first time in years, you turn it up and if feels so good, you feel so alive. Or just lying in a cold sleeping bag in a tent, listening to the rain fall. It's the way your heart stops and you can't breathe during your first true kiss, or how your body feels when you take off in an airplane for the first time. Or when you drive around in the front seat of a car that belongs to the boy you really, really like and even though you should feel scared beyond control because he's driving so fast & stupid, ye you feel so safe and alive.

yaaah, that feeling.

the way you make me feel, feels good to me.



get out .

i w a n t y o u o u t o f m y l i f e , & stay out of my things , including my head .
why can't you see that ?

small amount of h a p p y you make me

( what on earth did I think about all the time before you ? }

 

you know that feeling you get when you look at someone straight in the eyes and withought saying anything you know everything they are saying and feeling? You know that feeling you get when you're hugging him so tight and you feel so safe that you don't ever want to let go? You know that feeling when you're laying down together and stare at the ceiling, both completely silent- and as you both turn, your faces coincidentally clance into one another's, only to find a smile painted across both of them? You know that feeling when you care about someone so much it sometimes makes you want to cry out of joy of being scared?

Well those feelings- all of those feelings - I feel because of you.

let the rain fall .

note to self :
Remember that you have someone that makes you smile.
because a smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

wow , your such an allstar .

a strangled smile fell from my face. I just want to be okay for you again, not that i really ever was. but just when i try to block you out, and think i've finally succeeded , here you come , allstar , destroying thes feelings i have for someone who matters. I try to forget about everything you say or don't say, take it in when i have to , then wash my mind clear like the ocean washes away the sandcastles on the beach. forget it all once it is over , because that is what i know is right for me . you have to ask questions , so i give you the answers , for the most part , only to be questioned further about whether that is the truth or not . If you don't find the need to believe me in the first place , dont bother asking me questions , or stating an opinion that i clearly couldnt care less about . you make me feel like a bag of shit , why can't you just see that ? " I hate girls . I don't know why I had four." Can you double take that to make it sound good, worthy of your time ? So for you to be telling me i've fucked up in the past is a waste of breath , because at this point I really am caring what you have to say .

For now i ' m going to let my hair down and be trasparent for awhile, I mean, after all isn't that what you want ?

i'm finally falling to the bottom of the end .

are we ever going to live before we die?

why can't I forgive or forget as much as I think? forget the lonely days stuck in my mind. please let your guard down so i can figure out whether your human after all. honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want it to seem like we've got it all figured out. I'll be the first and will always be the first to admit that i don't have all the answers, but sometimes you've got to pretend; like i do. but we've all got the power to believe [& I know that i'm not your dream but i hope you always believe in me}

Please, if you wouldn't mind putting me, the broken, busted, missing-pieces, destroyed and guilt filled puzzle back together.

*amiloudandclearorarewejustbreakingup?*

unexpected is always so much better

*hekissedmeforthefirsttime&iwonderedwhyihadwaitedsolong*

you think your so fucking tough ? sorry to break it to yaaah , but ; your not so stfu .

kaaaaaaaiii sweet .

as i stare at this blank page, i see my life. boring, plain, & ready to be written on. but in my my case, i'm ready to be re-written. i need to find a pen, and make something permanent instead of writting in pencil & having to erase & scratch out things that i don't want.

i know that you can't stand to see me like this, or atleast that is what you have said; but the thing is , i can't find myself.

i guess you can't have your cake and eat it too .

does it bother you at all that I cry myself to sleep? that i just want to lose it, risk it all?

do you even care?
cause when you go about 'makingtherightdecision' like this, i'm pretty sure it's the right decision for you, not me.

when pigs fly (:

i don't have much to say , other than there always

has to be a rainbow in the dark, & you just happen to

be mine, all mine... i hope.

pinch me , for i must be dreaming ..

& my love for you is blind, cause i love you more than you'll ever know, but when it dies , i ' ll sit with you in the ashes & feel alone. & i'll be waiting there everytime you fall , because i know that inside yor hurting but i also know that pain is part of learning who you are , so here i am waiting, watching us as we come undone , because when everything falls down , i hope that i see you waiting atop that mountain lending me a hand back up .

[ *& the daylight is craving the sunshine of your smile }