kisses in the rain

clearly i havent had time in the last week to express myself, but i did last night , just need to find some time to put it on here.

it'll be on later if anyone cares (:

but hey, on the plus side, happiness falls over me like a blanket on the beach, the warmth of his arms like the sun.

your supposed to roll with the punches right ?

{ somepeoplejustmakemespeechless ]


Me; If love is a game, then babe, i like the way we play
Trey; well good move ..

decisions , clearly not very good at making good ones .

whooops .

fcuked up again. its like everytime i go to open my mouth, i dont think it through, and there i go again, throwing myself under the train. why haven't i learned that i cant say anything without someone blowing it up and making a bigger deal than it actually is. I try standing up  , but for someone close to me, i only get shut down. yes, i know i did something wrong but from what i thought, it was for something better. and no, i'm not trying to put the blame on you, you just need to learn to keep you pretty little mouth, fucking shut.

 sooo, i guess you can take your pick on how you would like me to react to this .. just let me know when you've made up the mind you've opened up to something that had nothing to do with you.

you found me

[ some conversations are better left remembered, instead of blocked out }



Trey : look at you , your practically perfect ..
Me : haaha , not really love . Look at what you've accomplished ..
Trey : Yaaah , I've found you & know what it feels like to be in love ..
Me : *hasnothingtosay*

smiling , finally :)

 hey now, somehow i'm smiling. light shining through, sunshine through the clouds & rain. but see i'm not quite understanding why. considering everything that is going on right now, i'm happy. this wave of calmness just came over me, 4:07am last night was a good time to wake up. so for when your going to ask me what , this is about, honestly, i'm knowing but i'm not going to complain.

uugh .

to me, Beth Fodor, there are two things that tear a person and their family apart, falling to peices. our family has obviously been through alot, and when I try to think of when i was younger, when things growing up are supposed to be care free and fun, that is not at all how i was brought up. even to this day, as gloomy and unfortunate as it is, here I sit, still, wanting to cry. but see the thing is, i dont even find the point in crying anymore, because for every single tear i shed, is going to reflect upon one aspect of my life or another. whether it be from hearing the endless yelling between my parents over something that is clearly never going to settle and be okay, or over not sleeping because i cant, because i dont want to because when i wake up i know that i am only going to have to wake up to this nightmare. does emotionally exaushed mean anything to you? and as for the physical aspects that have continuessly broken me and my family down, the list is endless. my baby sister, in this world for only a few days short of a week, fussed and screamed; much like i wanted to, for days. I became sick and not only did it affect me then, but like the scars this has left, it bothers me today.

there you go again ..

you've got me counting down the days until there is that smile on my face again. until you see that smile again, here i'm going to sit, waiting for the artist coming to paint that smile on my face.

carnival rides .

some call it torture, others call it enhanced interogation techniques, but what your doing isn't really either. I ask a question, and hardly ever get a straight answer, so what are you expecting me to do? My voice comes out in my writing, so maybe if you took the time to actually read, you illiterate boy, you might understand where i come from half the time, and where i want to be. because right now your sending me on some kind of sick carousel ride, and you could say that i am almost geting tired of holding on. like i thought that carnival rides are supposed to be fun, and this really is not all that fun for me right now. and to be perfectly honest with you, like i always am, i want to just let go and fall off at times. so now it is up to you, find out whether you want to ride it with me, and laugh together through the ups and downs, or just let me know when the ride stops and where to get off.

{ the fun ones always gotta come to an end, dont they ? ]

try constructing a decent thought

oh dear god. a slight road block i've got going on right now. this never happens, ever. I always have something to say. clearly not now .. :|

rubix cube

so now that I have wasated my time, letting the tears pour from  my eyes, maybe I should do something that  is time well wasted, and let the words pour from my fingers. for we all know that my tears clearly are not worth anything, but that maybe in another life these writing, something I put emotion into, will be worth something much more. because this is where I can actually speak my mind, say what I'm really thinking, unlike everyone elses in this world, who hides what they are really thinking, or follows the general thought from everyone else mind. but maybe it would be nice for someone other than me to fall for once. because now that I have a security blanket there to catch me, to show me that it is okay to fall, and that I have fallen before, only to not get up, to disapoint. again. but I'm tired of dodging glares and glances, from those people  who know nothing about me, and unsuccessfully trying to figure me out.

[ for all i know , is that i'm like a maze , the walls continuely change }

Hi , i am a fool & how may i help youuu ?

okaaaay . so i must have learned to fish really well somewhere , cause holy hell;  I 've snagged myself 2 great people . I have actually managed to find myself an amazing best friend , & a boyfriend who cares more about me than i do about myself . so for once , all of you that never did anything to help me , care about me , make me smile , or make it seem ookay to smile  :    fugggooff (: because now i ' ve somehow managed to find a way to smile , & now that i have , i ' m never going to let it get away . got it ? actually i don ' t care what your answer to that question is , because your not President BUSH , & i don ' t seem to care what you think (:

[ & you have a way of making me smile , even when i don ' t want too :)

& I will walk on water , & youuu will catch me if I fall

If i could just see you , everything would be alright .

finally, something seems to be going right. but at the same time, i know how things could be. but it is still worth it, although i am not honestly doing anything to change it. but i can't seem to stop searching, even though i know nothing is there. as my head spins in every direction, my head is filled with the thought that maybe i actually could make you as happy as you make me. you say you walk a thin line between what you are and what you really could be, your getting closer to something  you can't understand, cause lovee , there is a crack in your plastic crown. and no , your head is not filled with cartoons and fairy tales, what your really thinking of is the dungeon your are in, filled with dolls with plastic smiles on their faces. candy cane prison bars and chains that look like jewlery. but as we both know, and havc known, we couldn't ever be anything but ourselves, for we would both be lost in a world where nothing is clear, somewhat like how people see us. so i would appreciate it greatly if you could tell me how long i have been in this storm, waiting for it to pass.

[ & i am getting lost in your eyes , but everythig is alright . because i know you didn't bring me out here to drown }