Alone in the dark..

To feel absolutely nothing is a very strange thing. I normally am petrified to even set foot on my back porch most nights because it is pitch dark and I hate the dark I am terrified of the dark. I keep testing myself. I keep teasing my fears and nothing is happening. I walked step by step slowly and calmly without a sound down the steps into my back yard, barefoot through the grass and made it to the lake where I stopped. The water is the only thing I could see. Just reflections. I didn’t feel a thing. No adrenaline. No fear. No curiosity. No awe. No anything. Nothing. Just nothing. It’s like I’m trying to coax it up. Like I’m subconsciously trying to lure it out. And nothing. is. there. to. find.

The End.

& in the end

I’m here alone.

Nursing

My wounded heart.

That artificial

Lullaby, your voice

Plays softly in my head

Over again, again.

Yet,

I think

I’m still falling

for you.

16,11,11

laying in the front yard on the lawn under neath the stars, the autum leaves come falling down; much like these walls. The unrest of thw wind blowing, speaking to the trees as they sway back and forth together. Its that fresh musty smell that keeps you intised & suddenly everything you know the wind has taken away. The ice air begins to bite & crawl its way at your ears, leaving what everyone else says unheard. Its winter now, & all you want is to feel warmth wherever or whoever it may come from, because your heart is starting to go cold. So bring the hot chocolate & I'll get the blanken, and we'll lay lazily under the stars. How deep is dark? How high are the stars? My fingers go cold & nothing to do but forget the rest & mellow out. Mellow like the sheet that covers the sun at night, that we hide under at every chance we get, so insignificant yet the change is undenyable. However I am left sitting in my room, staring at blank walls & try to imagine my future but they arent really anything other than what I see.

& tonigh I will have a drunk heart

Forever
How long is forever?
Forever is an empty,
impractical promise.
We promise forever everyday:
I’ll love you forever,
it will last forever–
but fate takes these faulty promises
and warps them into cruel, tasteless jokes.
How do you promise to love forever
when desire drifts about is
like steam; crawling up our spines
and into our minds, causing our
tongues to betray, our minds to forget,
and our hearts to shut down.
How do you promise to be here forever
when the gnarled fingers of
death are no more than an outstretch away,
threatening to reach out and grasp us by the throat–
rattle our teeth and choke us of air– at any given moment.
How can you promise something will last forever
when change happens every second
of every minute
of every day.
From the sunrise to sunset, to the sweeping tides that
erase padded prints in the sand;
from the shapes in the clouds to the roots of a tree
that warp together with age,
nothing stays the same for long.
Please don’t promise me bitter lies of forever,
when all I will ever really want is today.

A toast to all the Ratfucks

Unsure of where to start with this Ryan character..

Shaunavon, Saskatchewan is his home,

hahahah and now he is all alone,

but oh wait, who’s fault is it?

I guarentee its not hers cause your face looks like shit,

She loved you more than you ever deserved,

You were careless and now we all know your a perv,

It was all up to you to fuck it up,

And it seems now that all you wanted was a little cock-suck,

So here Kassie is to you,

Lets get drunk and find another hot guy to screw,

Sure you miss him and you’ve got the right,

But now surely all the ass he is going to be able to get is from a dyke,

Although without permission you stole your parents truck,

Yes baby, he is still a ratfuck

all my wishes

What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead, what doesn't kill you makes you jump at the slightest noise, what doesn't kill you makes you an alcoholic and an impossiple person to be with, what doesn't kill you makes you hide in the corner and draw shapes that no one can see.

something you will never understand

I can't say why, but I wish you wouldn't go behind my back, I wish you wouldn't lie and I wish you wouldn't break promises. I wish there was something I could do to make you trust me and I wish there was something I could do to make you understand. I can't figure out what is was that I did to make you this way, and I hope it goes away.
You say, "We need to take a break I think Beth." and for some strange reason I remember you saying last time that, "...breaks do nothing Beth, all they accomplish is breaking the other persons heart." And it is also strange that I distinctly remember you saying you never wanted to break my heart. I never did fuck all wrong Trey. Never did I do anything wrong. You are the one who texted my ex boyfriend not thinking that I was telling you the truth. & no sir, I do not have a thing with another boy.

Thank you for trusting me.