[ despite what most might say, i look back on these scars & bruises, & see beauty }
I loveee how this stuff always happens to me, at the worst possible times . Like just rip my god damn heart out already, because i'm pretty sure that would hurt less than the misery, dissapointment & pain i am continuely puttine myself through. I just start to understand something & jump in with both feet, like i used to the first day of summer at the lake; then it is like someone, or something; like this monster i am learning to be, just takes it away & yanks it from beneath my feet like its really no big deal. NEWS FLASH Mr. Reporter, it is. Or how about when someone puts you ahead of them for once, & you compleley fuck that one chance you finally get? Yaaaaah, well i guess i screwed this one like a god damn nail. Yes, i know nails dont screw, but this wouldnt be the first time ive done something senseless, stupid, or even just simply impossible. Really, i know i know i screwed up, so please dont make me feel worse by telling me. all the timee.
for most, love is not something they get to experienve until they are old, & forgetful of what they once had. Finally realizing they are alone. However, i feel like that little girl i once was, swinging on the swings. Something so carefree, & feeling the absense of worry & blood pumping through your veins. The blood in which is pumping through my scared, broken hearth to the tips of my tools they call fingers. Like I said, love is not something everyone gets to experience until it is too late, late like the nights you have cried yourself to sleep. I am one of those people some would call lucky, others torchered & unfortunate; to feel love, its loss, then broken. Realization then quickly sets in, like the cold, souless water you have cried, over something so worthless, similar to the ladybug you felt sympathy for, knowing they would never really understand the true meaning of life, or that of love. It seems mearly impossible to look back, knowing that it had ripped your organ to bits withough caring, & that you felt pitty for something that would never have to feel so empty, alo0ne or wasted, something like you did with it. It does not deserve the title of a 'he' because what it did to me was unimaginable, cruel, & inhuman.
do you ever fet that feeling where it seems like your sleeping, unharmed, dreaming of the somewhat perfect life your are leading, or want to lead? Shame seems to backhand me quite often, with the realization that you have only actually been dreaming so effortlessly of the one thing you can no longer reach. I hear that i could do so much better, that i would learn to love again as many times as the cold wind blows into the lonely dark. The dark, deep hate that pulls me in, everytime. Where oxygen seems foreign. I thought i was ready to be found, rescued from the stuggle, the downward spiral i had sent myself on without you. But clear & strong as the summer sky, i am not. So as i once said, & will continue to say, yes, maybe with a different meaning, you did find me, i just needed to find myself.
there are those days where all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs, till they bleed, but no one can here you so it is pointless ?
you make me high. when i even get the slightest thought of you its like i finally see in color, another kind of happiness i didn't know there was .
i could be with you in the middle of nowhere, & know i'm not lost.
Being alone isn't always the same thing as being lonely. I'm lonely, but not alone. There are so many people like me that look at everyday as a challenge, like a math lesson, a math equation. There they sit, having something intrigue them, only for a short while, then before you know it, schoooled. It isn't always that we don't get it, that we are alone, it is often that we just don't want to accept it. Where as being lonely, there is most always a reason. Mine, & many others, there is that other half of you that is missing. The PB to your J. Also like me, I try to replace that PB with honey, as a temporary substitute. So when someone asks if your going somewhere alone, simply reply, "No, others are there too." In actual or just in the fact they understand the situation your in.
